Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

I think I’m having a stroke

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”