Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
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I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
#Caturday
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
The USS B port