Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
You Might Also Like
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline