Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

DOG 911: what’s your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller

DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY

me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.