Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace