Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

NASA has no chill

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.