Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

This guy’s not having it 😆

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*