Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

m’lady

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest