Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
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Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
