Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
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So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”