Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”