Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.