ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
You Might Also Like
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
‘I know a black person’
– White people
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
this was very charming
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.