ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
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Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.