Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*