Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”