me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
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Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
gm
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.