me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
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I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
titanic
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
