Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

Only short people can save us

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this

Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs