Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
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That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
Got him!
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
*orders delivery*
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
it is time once again
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
nature’s most graceful animal
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.