Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

oh no, steve’s working tonight

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

How dramatic are you?

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

I have no passwords left in me

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.