Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
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When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
The Compass
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30