Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

i wish we could shoplift online

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

bad news gang

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃