Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

[first day at CIA]

Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?

[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

also my go-to takeaway order

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down