Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

This might be the funniest tweet ever

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

Cartman: Respect my
a a

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.