Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER