Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!

Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

I’m pretty like a car crash.

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

What flavor cupcake are these

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.