Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
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My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Dammit Chief not again
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
How to make infinite energy.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin: