Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Karaoke Bar]

Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶

Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes

when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!

Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.