@WarrenHolstein

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

You Might Also Like

@YuckyTom

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

@Adam14

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

@Up2Long

Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying “I’m stalking you” was much funnier in my head.

@ClichedOut

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

@_SingleBabyMama

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

@shkeeber

Nephew: Really?!

Me: Yup! Go for it!

N: *runs into wall*

Me: *takes pic*

N: *wakes up* Am I at Hogwarts?

Me: No, we’ll try again later.

@KimmyMonte

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

@SteveSuckington

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

@UnFitz

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

@theshamingofjay

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like shit until you have something someone else needs