@WarrenHolstein

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

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@AbbieEvansXO

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

@gruffybeard

Yes kids, Daddy does have a favorite and you’ll find out which one of you it is when my will is read.

@Sickayduh

[hospital]
SON: I came as soon as I heard. What happened?
DAD: The oying hit me
SON: What’s an oying?
DAD: You are, kiddo *dies*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

@JKickinit30

You can’t control what people say or do. The only thing you can control is how much accelerant to use.

@Darlainky

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

@Emily_R_King

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

@nachdermas

gonna take up jogging again, not to be healthier but to increase my chances of being murdered in the woods

@robfee

If you’ve been unemployed for a while, update your resume to say youve been a Blockbuster manager for the last decade. HOW WOULD THEY KNOW!?

@lizetagge

Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.