Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

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[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic


Yes kids, Daddy does have a favorite and you’ll find out which one of you it is when my will is read.


SON: I came as soon as I heard. What happened?
DAD: The oying hit me
SON: What’s an oying?
DAD: You are, kiddo *dies*


[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?


You can’t control what people say or do. The only thing you can control is how much accelerant to use.


My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.


My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”


gonna take up jogging again, not to be healthier but to increase my chances of being murdered in the woods


If you’ve been unemployed for a while, update your resume to say youve been a Blockbuster manager for the last decade. HOW WOULD THEY KNOW!?


Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.