Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
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It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people