@WarrenHolstein

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

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@Home_Halfway

Every time the media has to report on Trump they should misspell his name and call him Mr. Turnip until he loses his mind completely

@murrman5

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

@Michael_Erhart

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

@Jack_Wagon1

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

@TheDreamGhoul

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

@bridger_w

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

@TheMichaelRock

I forgot my work ethic at home today, but I did remember to bring my shenanigans and debauchery.

@clichedout

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee