Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

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I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok


I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.


Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying “I’m stalking you” was much funnier in my head.


Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*


After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”


Nephew: Really?!

Me: Yup! Go for it!

N: *runs into wall*

Me: *takes pic*

N: *wakes up* Am I at Hogwarts?

Me: No, we’ll try again later.


my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica


“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk


My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”


Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like shit until you have something someone else needs