Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

Mike is short for Micycle

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.

It’s science.

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”