Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

I don’t like papier-mâché because it exposes children to both glue and French.

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

oh she’s cooked

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks