Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.