Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?