Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

socratic questions

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage