Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: π πΎπ π·π΄π°π π³ π·πΈπΌ.
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You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you canβt keep your leggings out of its toe
I always get new followers when Iβm asleep proving that people like me better when Iβm not talking
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Iβve verified my own account.
Itβs utter crap β
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
βsnitches get stitchesβ
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
How to speak Irishβ¦
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
One manβs trash is another manβs problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighborβs yard.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. Iβve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. Iβve never known such misery
canβt see: birdbox
canβt talk: a quiet place
canβt touch: this
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
mom: why didnβt you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: itβs the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: heβs uh driving
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but itβs not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, Iβm seeing somebody.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or Iβm breaking into your house & responding to myself.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, βSorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, itβs still the weekend. We donβt even know for sure Mondays are real.β
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
6: thatβs none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then sheβs a keeper
Iβm taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] itβs not another goat is it
If you text your boss that you canβt come in and include the poop emoji, he doesnβt ask any questions.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she wonβt leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so Iβm telling you now.