Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

Dead
Alive
Other✔

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*