Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

My love language is deader than Latin

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”