Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?