Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

all that yoga finally paid off

How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

This poor dog

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools