Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.