Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats