Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
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N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*