Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
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NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.