Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

What the hell happened in there??

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

I’m going to need a moment here.

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.