Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

I’m good, thanks.

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

went fishing caught a bass

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

Is fructose made with real fruct?