Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

Just grow your own

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”