everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
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Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Co-worker: Face up or face down?
Me: Um. What?
Cw: The fax machine? Documents face up or down?
Me: I’m not mature enough to answer that.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.