Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
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good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
me doing my best
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some