Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
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its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Her: *smoking a cigarette* where are you going?
Me: i told my mom i’d call her
Me: *tapping the wardrobe door* Mom, you can come out now
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*
Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
wherever this dart lands is where I’ll take a trip to
*throws dart and it lands on Hogwarts poster*
oh, well this is going to be difficult
Oh thanks BBC.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.