Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
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“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.