Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

That earthquake could have been an email.

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists