Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
You Might Also Like
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
the answer was staring at me all along
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
my dad has had enough
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.