Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
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Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“What movie?” 🤔
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.