Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

Breaking news:

😂

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

Oh yeah that’s it

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.