Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

You had me at “define legal”.

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

Is this anything

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

Message from the dog groomers

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed