Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
You Might Also Like
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
(True)
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I hate my earbuds.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
We like the way Dwight thinks
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.