Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
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Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Ugh
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.