Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
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My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
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Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.