Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in

am i cooked

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

Always trust a glue salesman…

They tend to stick to their word.

When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.