melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
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A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF