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None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …