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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Ferrari squats
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”