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I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.