Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?