Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

Whoa 😂

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.