Meme Monday.
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I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.