Meme Monday.
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[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.