Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

A little too much information.

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do