Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
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Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
🗽
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row