Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
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Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.